My Anti New Year’s Resolutions

Forgetting to put a perpetual load of colors in ... consider it done, 2014!  According to a recent study I don’t feel like looking up, 92% of New Year’s resolutions fail. So before you make up a vague one about exercising daily-ish or becoming more organized with something you don’t feel like thinking about right now, why not show that incredibly high percentage who’s boss by setting a few far-more-attainable, bottom-rung goals for 2014?

Allow me to get the ball dropping. Here is a nowhere-near-exhaustive list of my goals for 2014 (I’m exhausting!):

  • Get upset about dumb things people say, twisting their words over and over in my head until I’m sufficiently offended by them. Repeat over the course of 2-3 days, then forget it ever happened.

Awesomely bad advice for the Class of 2013

Shoot for the moon. If you miss, pretend you were aiming for the stars the whole time.
There are two types of high-school graduates: Type A) The high-school peaker. Type B) The high-school victim. These two groups share at least one major thing in common: They’re both crazy. Certifiable. Insane in the membrane and out. And there’s something else: In your own way, you’re destined to be an alma-mater member of each. Unless you read the rest of this post, then there might be hope. But no promises.

People I’m hating at Starbucks right now (volume 3)

The outlet next to your table would go great with my crappy laptop battery, if only you'd leave.
Beret-wearing bathroom-hogger guy. Bonjour, I enjoy making fun of your beret as much as the next patron, but it’s harder for me to really sink my teeth into my snap judgment when you’ve been in the bathroom for twenty minutes. What are you doing in there? And why are you making it impossible for me to feel comfortable going in afterward? You are a terrible, terrible person, I just know it.

Will Lumosity make you smarter (or dumber)?

This is my brain on Lumosity. Can you tell the difference?
For those of you who don’t stay up toward the ‘crack enough to see the Lumosity commercials with the dumb short-haired girl cheesing out that it’s “serious brain training” with an animated light bulb over her head, I hate you for getting more sleep than me. For the rest of you, you know you want to try that infomercially goodness, don’t you?