1. Refresh your moldy shower curtain. Skip that $10k bathroom remodel and head to Target for a $10 shower curtain instead. Yes, you’ll still be stuck stepping into the same dank standard tub with golden shower head (no pun intended) every morning, but it’ll give your occasional houseguest something to admire while he/she makes your toilet gross.
Did your mother ever tell you not to speed? Mine did, especially on holiday weekends (more time for warnings). I listened. But according to the officer who pulled me over – quite possibly a rejected extra from 22 Jump Street – I was (allegedly) going 13 miles over on US Highway I-Should-Be-Able-To-Go-100-Because-There’s-Not-A-Car-In-Sight. Needless to say, I’m innocent.
According to a recent study I don’t feel like looking up, 92% of New Year’s resolutions fail. So before you make up a vague one about exercising daily-ish or becoming more organized with something you don’t feel like thinking about right now, why not show that incredibly high percentage who’s boss by setting a few far-more-attainable, bottom-rung goals for 2014?
Allow me to get the ball dropping. Here is a nowhere-near-exhaustive list of my goals for 2014 (I’m exhausting!):
- Get upset about dumb things people say, twisting their words over and over in my head until I’m sufficiently offended by them. Repeat over the course of 2-3 days, then forget it ever happened.
1. No nighttime bowel movements/toilet usage. This isn’t a problem from me, but Jason, that Daddy-looking guy with the Chia Pet on his face, is much less inclined to break anywhere the wind takes him (usually to work), and he struggles to adhere to your mommy’s half-kidding restriction at times. In fact, he has a tendency to disappear and not tell Mommy or me where he’s going, and I bet he’ll do the same with you, too. It’s not personal; it’s business. Baby, you’ll have a much more difficult time keeping things under cover (and out of your diaper), but your evenings dumps are to be expected, so enjoy them while you can!
10. It’s a great way to teach your wayward children a lesson they’ll never forget. Here’s how: Borrow an empty iPad Mini box from a rich friend, put The Edumacation of Jay Baker inside, and watch your child’s look of elation change to are-you-for-real? horror as they realize that it’s not a high-def touchscreen, just a measly old off-yellow book cover. Optional: Say something like, “That’s what happens when you don’t do your homework. Booyah!” Then download an app on your iPad and talk about how cool it is.