Dear, Abram:
You have a perfect face. Can you believe it? There’s finally two of us! (Confession: I was relieved that you didn’t emerge resembling a wrinkly old Benjamin Button, but I would’ve put on my game face and said how cute you were, regardless.) Not that it’s about me or anything, but your birth a week ago was one of the most intense experiences of my life. And I’m just your weird uncle. I can’t imagine how much your parents must’ve been falling in love with you at first sight.
10. It’s a great way to teach your wayward children a lesson they’ll never forget. Here’s how: Borrow an empty iPad Mini box from a rich friend, put The Edumacation of Jay Baker inside, and watch your child’s look of elation change to are-you-for-real? horror as they realize that it’s not a high-def touchscreen, just a measly old off-yellow book cover. Optional: Say something like, “That’s what happens when you don’t do your homework. Booyah!” Then download an app on your iPad and talk about how cool it is.
If you haven’t played Marry-F-Kill in your lifetime yet, well, something has gone horribly wrong. Let’s make up for lost time. The rules are quite stupid simple: someone with a sick sense of humor names off three candidates, and you have to decide whom to marry, F, or kill among them. Death is not an option, don’t be annoying. The more cringe-inducing the choices, the better. Think: Creepy relatives, what-were-they-thinking? exes, last-person-on-earth types, et al. To get you started, I’ve cooked up some disturbing example scenarios using some of TV’s most beloved characters.
Don’t get me wrong; there are still plenty of people to hate at Starbucks. But I’m feeling less stingy with my carafe of love today, so might as well pour it on thick and pretend I’m a good person…
1. Use the wind. The wind whipping through your hair is a key element to creating the cheesiest possible “We’re engaged!” moment. It also helps if neither of you look at the camera, but rather focus on each other and/or something that represents your love, preferably in the distance, like the piece of grass that seems to have caught Caroline’s eye in this particular (intimate) moment. The forehead kiss is a cheesy artform that clearly I’ve perfected. Be sure to clench your jaw a bit so that the act still appears manly and Fabio-esque. Close your eyes, too, so it doesn’t appear you’re trying to suck her brains out.