If there’s one thing I excel at, it’s hating people. In fact, I’m doing it right now! I’ve been practicing since I first emerged from my mother’s womb and silently started feuding with this one nurse who was judging me like I was some sort FREAK with WEBBED TOES. I don’t care if it was true or not, which it was. If memory serves, just as she was swaddling my little tooshie, I wiggled all eight of my toes and had an IBS attack all over her, booyah.
But the thing about hating people? It’s hard work. And I’m lazy. I want that weird thing that people talk about all the time in such never-gonna-get-it terms. No, not sex, you rascal, you. I want a big pile of money. But if I have to settle for happiness, the last thing I want to do is work for it without compensation. So that’s why I’ve decided to rewire my brain via the daily techniques described in Shawn Achor’s The Happiness Advantage. Advantage schadvantage, I have to do this $*&% for 21 days in a row, and I’m going to hate every fulfilling moment of it.
Step 1: Write down 3 things I’m grateful for (without laughing). You should see some of the phone-it-in platitudes I’ve written so far, and it’s only day 4. I hate it when they flutter through my head at unexpected moments, making it harder for me to hate something. Does that mean it’s working? Or just that I memorize my own writing because I still think everything in life is going to be on THAT ONE TEST I DIDN’T STUDY FOR?
Step 2: Write for 2 minutes a day about a positive experience from yesterday. Dear Journal: This one makes me feel like a home-schooled 13-year-old from the 1950’s who hasn’t been made fun of enough.
Step 3: Exercise for 10 minutes a day. I picture Shawn Achor to be the kind of guy who goes to the gym to ride the elliptical for 10 minutes and be friends with people the other 50. Well, there’s me over on the treadmill, killing cartilage for the whole hour and trying to avoid making friendly eye contact with Shawn. Clearly, this makes me more deserving of happiness than him. I win! (Update: I’ve sworn off the gym with Shawn A. in favor of Insanity with Shawn T., and I’ve never looked better
than everyone else.)
Step 4: Meditate for 2 minutes. This sounds an awful lot like praying to me, so … I’ve been skipping this one. I’ll do it tomorrow, I swear. I’m going to meditate about it tonight (while sleeping) to get myself good and ready to dump all my problems on a higher power in the morning.
Step 5: Write a creepy note to a colleague thanking or praising them. Yeah, I’m sure that’s just what “Linda” wants to see first thing in the morning: a half-hearted note from me about what a good job she did staying awake during that transpondster 101 meeting yesterday (that I didn’t go to).
Join me, why don’t you, on this incredible journey of happiness discovery. Let’s be miserable together in the comments section!
And you should probably download a free sample chapter of The Edumacation of Jay Baker while you’re at it, sorry, don’t hate me because I’m desperate.