How to stop hating people with Buddhism

Trapped inside a glass house? Throw these zen stones at the windows and get out!

Trapped inside a glass house of boring? Throw these zen stones at the windows and get out!

As someone who has my PhD in hating people, I’m constantly on the lookout for new and exciting ways to rise above it all — all of mankind, that is — legs crossed and hands pressed against one another with a superior spiritual look on my face. Which is why lately I’ve been exploring the world of Buddhism via podcast and audiobook, so I can avoid some sort of awful group setting whereby I have to share my life experiences with others.

Assuming you don’t feel like breathing on people in a temple, either, I’m making it easier on everyone by posting my Buddhalicious learnings to this blog in easily scannable list form. Prepare for an awakening.

1. Karma. According to a source I forget, Buddhism is all about karma. Hate unto others as they would hate unto you, and vice versa, and therefore and such as and the Iraq. That’s their philosophy, and I think I get it: Keep your hatred held inward, close to your shriveled heart, and others will never have the opportunity to hold you accountable for it. Neveeeer!

2. No judging. Basically, you can’t have fun at the expense of others, even if everyone has to sit around being bored, looking at each other like, “What now, stupids?” (You can’t call people stupids unless you want the same treatment, see how hard it is?) Avoid karaoke, Facebook, and friends that are having a hard time of it lately.

3. Don’t kill bugs. I’m assuming this rule doesn’t apply to basement-dwelling spider-hybrids that hop up as you throw the bathroom rug over them and stomp accordingly.

4. Meditate. I don’t think I’m doing it right, but perhaps you’ll be better about focusing on your breath, letting go of intrusive thoughts like, “You haven’t posted on your blog in a while, stupid!” and, “You’re thirty, by the way, ha-ha!”

5. Be mindful. Before you say what you really mean–“I hate everything about your face!”, for instance–take a deep breath and ask yourself, Why am I feeling such rage? If the answer is Because I hate this person, then fire away. On second thought, see number 1.

6. Get a lot of fresh air. Because only when we become one with the freezing aspects of nature can we stop complaining about how hot we are all the time. (I’m hot, by the way.)


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