1. Before you do anything else, ask your friends and family how they think you should get married. Get as many opinions as possible—it’s always better to make highly personal decisions with the doubts of others swirling around inside your heads.
I was 1 of approximately 4.2 people watching an episode of The Numbers Game the other day when the dorky host said it only takes 6 showers to become 20-something-percent physically tougher. Immediately, my brain was like, “You could do that easily, Jay … NOT!” See how that ****head talks to me? Determined to prove it wrong, I grabbed a towel, headed for my newly remodeled master bath, and proceeded to ruin the experience of having had it remodeled in the first place.
1. Refresh your moldy shower curtain. Skip that $10k bathroom remodel and head to Target for a $10 shower curtain instead. Yes, you’ll still be stuck stepping into the same dank standard tub with golden shower head (no pun intended) every morning, but it’ll give your occasional houseguest something to admire while he/she makes your toilet gross.
Did your mother ever tell you not to speed? Mine did, especially on holiday weekends (more time for warnings). I listened. But according to the officer who pulled me over – quite possibly a rejected extra from 22 Jump Street – I was (allegedly) going 13 miles over on US Highway I-Should-Be-Able-To-Go-100-Because-There’s-Not-A-Car-In-Sight. Needless to say, I’m innocent.
1. Position thyself far away from the lens as possible. Jesus, thank you, closer is not better when it comes to selfies. That being said, be careful that your freakishly long arm or too-green shirt doesn’t overtake the true star of the show — your face!
2. Pretend like you’ve been caught off guard (by yourself), and you’re kind of reluctant to take a picture right now, yet you’re trying to be a good sport about it.