People I’m hating at Starbucks right now (volume 3)

The outlet next to your table would go great with my crappy laptop battery, if only you'd leave.

The outlet next to your table would go great with my crappy laptop battery, if only you’d leave.

Beret-wearing bathroom-hogging guy. Bonjour, I enjoy making fun of your beret as much as the next patron, but it’s harder for me to really sink my teeth into the snap judgment when you’ve been hiding in the bathroom for twenty minutes. What are you freaking doing in there? And why are you making it impossible for me to feel comfortable going in afterward? You are a terrible, selfish, beret-wearing person.

Ice-chomping ultimate-fighter guy. Hey, dude, I’m really pumped about your fight this Saturday, the one you’re describing SO LOUDLY on the phone to your friend who probably couldn’t give two bench presses, either. I think you having your hoodie on indoors right now a la 8 Mile is going to help the outcome, for sure. Your ears will be nice and toasty when it’s time to battle for the right to wear whatever (tool) belt’s one the line.

Weird interviewer/interviewee situation. Awkward, why are you, the interviewer, interviewing someone at Starbucks? And why did you, the interviewee, show up when the creeper across from you sent that email saying, “Meet me at Starbucks, would ya?” This just doesn’t seem like a legit interaction to me, the paranoid guy two tables over who can smell the desperation wafting up from the puffy coats you haven’t taken off. I’m not waving, I’m trying to fire you both with the obligatory Donald Trump hand gesture. Please gather your folders and leave, thanks.

Catching-up lady-friends. Hey, ladies. It’s been forever since you’ve seen each other, I know, but we have a problem: your table is better than mine. And I want yours. And that means you getting up and leaving. You’re not even using the conveniently located outlet next to it. Let’s be honest, your friendship really isn’t going anywhere. I can feel you both trying too hard. Better to just cut it off now, before anyone gets offended by a deliberately missed phone call or text.

Video-watching guy. Why is your sound on, dip****?

Click here to read vol. 1 of this incredible journey of hatred.

Can’t get enough of hating people at Starbucks? Click here to read vol 2.

Last but not least, whom are you hating at Starbucks these days? Post a cathartic comment below.

 

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